When crunch time came, he suddenly found he preferred his wife and children to me. Crash followed crunch. I went around for months in dark despair, then met safe, secure Edgar. You might say it was a case of crash and grab. I seized upon that poor mild and stable fellow with all the verve of a drowning man (or woman) clutching a straw. We married. With the experience of a truly fervent and uninhibited lover in my curriculum vitae, I can hardly claim that bedtime games with Edgar had ever been what I would call, “stunningly passionate.” Edgar’s idea of sex was to stick it in, off load an excess of semen, pull out, roll over, and go to sleep. Orgasm for myself was something I had to attend to solo after Edgar had given his less than inspiring performance. You might have noted my use of the past tense. There is a particular reason for that. Around the fifth year of our wedded bliss even this desultory sexual offering diminished until it reached vanishing point, and masturbating became. ‘You didn’t kill Jenny the Toad Princess after all.’ ‘Well, you know me, big softy at heart! It creates more of a family dynamic between the principle characters with her in it. Besides, I wouldn’t say it was an entirely blood-free resolution to the situation – Bob the Mechanic got torn to pieces when the group saved her,’ ‘Yeah, but he was a prick so I didn’t feel bad about him dying,’ Leah replied. Andrew began to stroke Leah’s hair. ‘Mmm…that’s nice…’ No words were exchanged for a few minutes as Leah found herself starting to drift off to sleep again. The shrill ringing of the phone startled her. ‘Bollocks,’ Andrew said as he slid out from under her. ‘I’ll bet that’s Diane.’ ‘I’d better start getting ready,’ Leah added, looking over at the alarm clock. ‘Traffic will be a bitch otherwise.’ ‘Say hello to Alison for me while you’re there.’ Andrew said as he trundled downstairs to answer the phone. **** By the time she reached the office it was nearly half past ten. Once the car was.
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